Dumb headlines thread

[O Really]

"Virginia Commonwealth University dies at off-campus fraternity house"

The university died?

"Adam Oakes, 19, of Sterling, died at an off-campus fraternity house at Virginia Commonwealth University on Saturday after what his family has described as a rush event where the teen reportedly drank a large quantity of alcohol."

https://flipboard.com/article/virginia- ... pboard.com

[O Really]

Front page in Asheville:

"Groups use Christian symbols to spread hate
White nationalists cite religion to justify actions"

Duh, ya' think? And did the sun come up this morning?

[neoplacebo]

Jesus dies on cross, rolls away the stone, emerges from the grave to wild acclaim. Disappears. The cult gushes in awe.

[Vrede too]

Jesus dies on cross, rolls away the stone, emerges from the grave to wild acclaim. Disappears. The cult gushes in awe.

The Buybull set the standard for dumb headlines.


The State

No, this article was not written by this Columbia, SC newspaper, but no attempt is made to tell us otherwise.

Kentucky man — and a motorcycle — found after 465-foot Grand Canyon fall, officials say

See below, it's 2 separate falls.

Mike Stunson

Actually, he's a "@McClatchy real-time journalist based out of the D.C. area. Former sports reporter....
Washington, D.C., Kentucky.com"

Kentucky.com is the Lexington Herald-Leader, still not Columbia, SC.

A missing Kentucky man was found dead after a 465-foot fall from the Grand Canyon, according to the National Park Service.

A motorcycle was also found beside the body of John Pennington, a 40-year-old man from Walton, officials say.

He was believed to have entered the Grand Canyon around Feb. 23 and abandoned his vehicle at Yaki Point, a scenic overlook, officials say.

I guess there's no connection between Pennington and the motorcycle, but no attempt is made to clear that up. Or less likely, his vehicle was the motorcycle and it was tossed in later.

Park rangers searched multiple days for Pennington, who was reported missing Sunday. Pennington was found Wednesday about 465 feet below the rim of the South Kaibab Trailhead, officials say.

He was found below the rim of the Grand Canyon or below the South Kaibab Trailhead, but trailheads don't have rims.

His body was transported by helicopter to the Coconino County Medical Examiner’s Office, the National Park Service said. An investigation is underway.

So, maybe he "abandoned his vehicle" or maybe he was taken from it. To be fair, 'abandoned' and 'investigation' each have a lot of syllables.

Last year, Canadian officials said a man by the same name, age and hometown was caught twice entering the country in violation of COVID-19 border restrictions, McClatchy News reported. He faced a fine up to $750,000.

Pennington denied breaking rules and said he was traveling from Alaska to the U.S. ...

Alaska isn't in the U.S.?

Ugly, ugly. Maybe go back to sports, and take some editors with you?

[neoplacebo]

Strange business, but the concept of surviving a 465ft fall on a motorcycle and then die an inglorious death in the bowels of the Grand Canyon is rather alluring. I actually saw this headline early this morning but didn't click on it. I figured there must be some bullshit in it somewhere. If it had said "Donald Trump Jr survives 500ft plunge into Grand Canyon on Chinese Motorcycle" I would have checked it out.

[Vrede too]

Opps, I missed one.

... He was believed to have entered the Grand Canyon around Feb. 23 and abandoned his vehicle at Yaki Point, a scenic overlook, officials say.

Rewrite:
He was believed to have entered the Grand Canyon National Park around Feb. 23, and abandoned his vehicle at Yaki Point, a scenic overlook, then entered the Grand Canyon, officials say.

[O Really]

Headline in the right-wing "Washington Times"

"Biden administration sides with cheerleader in First Amendment case"

Nothing wrong with that, except that it didn't.

The Biden administration has wadded into a Supreme Court free-speech battle to side with a high school that kicked a foul-mouthed cheerleader off the JV team for using the F-word on Snapchat.

“F—- school f—- softball f—- cheer f—- everything,” raged the Pennsylvania teen who was upset about not making the varsity cheer squad.

Mr. Biden’s Justice Department argued that the First Amendment doesn’t shield student athletes from discipline by coaches and school officials, asking the justices to rule against the cheerleader’s First Amendment claim.

Must have been quite the sight to see the administration "wadding"

[Vrede too]

Headline in the right-wing "Washington Times"

"Biden administration sides with cheerleader in First Amendment case"

Nothing wrong with that, except that it didn't.

Must have been quite the sight to see the administration "wadding"

Moonie Times headline fixed now:
Biden administration sides against cheerleader in First Amendment case

However, Joe is still "wadded into” the issue . I guess it beats Dolt .45's waddling.

I like the ACLU, but maybe it can find more important things to fight for than JV cheer slots.

[neoplacebo]

Pitiful; the poor bastards can't tell the difference between "wading," "wadding," and "stomping."

[O Really]

"Oregon State gymnastics head coach Tanya Chaplin says her Beavers 'never give up'"

[Vrede too]

"Oregon State gymnastics head coach Tanya Chaplin says her Beavers 'never give up'"

They're adorable and spunky.


A tiny bit of humor in tragedy -

Teaser:
Soon-to-be grandad, 20-year-old among shooting victims


Actual headline:
Victims in Colorado grocery store shooting include workers, soon-to-be grandfather
Kevin Mahoney is 61 years old.

Whew.

[Vrede too]

Undercover Asian NYPD Officer Arrests Woman for Hate Crime After Blaming Salon Workers for COVID

:confusion-scratchheadblue:

[Vrede too]

New video from Elon Musk's Neuralink claims monkey is playing Pong with his mind

I thought that the monkey was playing Pong with Elon Musk's mind.

[O Really]

"Woman Watches Home Burn in Lawn Chair After Allegedly Setting it On Fire with Person Inside"

I have no words.
But it is a complicated story:

https://www.complex.com/life/woman-alle ... de-watches

[O Really]

"A Belgian farmer accidentally moved the French border"

Umm, no, he moved one stone border marker. The legal border remained unchanged.

https://news.yahoo.com/belgian-farmer-a ... 28530.html

[Vrede too]

"Woman Watches Home Burn in Lawn Chair After Allegedly Setting it On Fire with Person Inside"

I have no words.
But it is a complicated story:

https://www.complex.com/life/woman-alle ... de-watches

That's from Complex, which I've never heard of before. Its Wiki page:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_Networks

Better headlines are possible:
NBC: Woman accused of setting home on fire with person inside, watching it burn from lawn chair
The Grio: Maryland woman accused of setting house on fire, watching it burn from lawn chair - though it neglects to mention the near murder. I'll give NBC the win.

"A Belgian farmer accidentally moved the French border"

Umm, no, he moved one stone border marker. The legal border remained unchanged.

https://news.yahoo.com/belgian-farmer-a ... 28530.html

I think it's probably tongue-in-cheek rather than "Dumb".

[neoplacebo]

My hardscrabble grandfather told me that a tongue in the crack is worth two in the cheek. I believe him.

[Ulysses]

"A Belgian farmer accidentally moved the French border"

Umm, no, he moved one stone border marker. The legal border remained unchanged.

https://news.yahoo.com/belgian-farmer-a ... 28530.html

Those kooky Belgians!

[Ulysses]

My hardscrabble grandfather told me that a tongue in the crack is worth two in the cheek. I believe him.

Does it follow that a tongue in hand is worth two in the bush?

[O Really]

I think it's probably tongue-in-cheek rather than "Dumb".

Maybe, but we don't have a "Tongue in Cheek Headlines" thread. But I guess nobody would have clicked on the story if it had said "Belgian Farmer Moves Rock for Better Tractor Access"