you may be a con if your name is doodoohickey

[billy.pilgrim]

please feel free to add your own observations to this 8 year old list




You may be a Republican if...

you think that the best way to protect people from illegal drugs is to put them in prison.

you are opposed to increasing the minimum wage and in favor of repealing taxes on inherited wealth.

you are opposed to Affirmative Action in college admissions and attended a private university as a "legacy."

you really believe that cutting taxes increases government revenues.

you believe in "Liberty and Justice for All" (rich, white, straight men)

you rant and rave about Liberals but have never actually met any.

you actually think that Fox News does not "spin."

you dodged the draft during Viet Nam (with Daddy's help) and now you question the courage and patriotism of men who came back with medals (and scars) and understand wars are bad.

you think that a president lying about getting a blowjob is far more serious than a president lying about the reasons for starting a war.

you think it is treasonous for a newspaper to report that the government is lying, using torture, invading someone's privacy or breaking the law but think it's okay for them to expose the identity of a covert CIA agent for partisan purposes.

you don't know that if it weren't for the French, we'd have lost the American Revolution.

you're for tax cuts for the rich because you actually believe that one day you'll be rich.

you're against abortion but don't give a damn about those babies once they're born.

you try to make it complicated, but all Jesus was really saying was "Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you."

you think that a whiskey-guzzling, coke-sniffing, draft-dodging loser is the cream of the American crop and the best this country could offer up for President.

you believe you protect freedom by sacrificing it.

you think Liberal slant is bad, but think Right Winger slant is just fine

you believe that Ted Kennedy should be condemned for Chappaquiddick, but Laura bush should be forgiven for killing her ex-boyfriend while she was driving.

you don’t see that if the Dixie Chicks had been commenting on Clinton, you would be praising them instead of trashing their CDs.

you believe the 'lefty liberal Hollywood types' don't have the right to criticize Dubya's policy's

[billy.pilgrim]

the idea that lil bush might be lying about his faith in Christ
causes a pain behind your eyes.

you think fighting in Iraq (or anywhere else) is like a computer
game, and you think that troops should have to complete level one to
get their body armor.

you think corporate interests are national interests.

you think Universal Health Care is bad but Corporate Welfare is
good

you believe that bombing Iraq has anything to do with September 11.

you have bumper stickers that read "nuke his ass" next to "I support life."

you believe less ozone is better for a quicker tan.

you support automatic AK-47's becoming legal. "It'll keep them doughnut eating cops on their toes."

you think Jesus is the same blond haired, blue eyed, white, Aryan
featured dude as in the picture on your fridge.

you think Jesus Christ was a great conservative political philosopher

you think acid rain helps cleans your driveway.

you believe "smok 'em out" is written in foreign policy.

your rifle gets more fondling than your wife.

you think no child left behind is a new bus service to the KKK rally.

you use "uh" as the seventh vowel.

you think lil bush is the closest thing to God because of his ability to cause an apocalypse.

you think David Duke is from Hazzard County.

you are encouraged by lil bush's C+ average scholastic history. "Gee, even you could rule the free world."

you think 'Hail to the Chief' would sound better being played on a steel guitar.

you confuse Stephanopoulos with Snuffagolpolus.

you believe Jesse Jackson is the anti-Christ and Jerry Falwell should be referred to "his popeness."

you are certain lil bush has created jobs because you have three to pay for your heat bill.

you think "Dueling Banjos" should be the prelude for every press conference.

[billy.pilgrim]

you are an under-achieving drunk who is feeble enough to fail at the oil business in Texas, but manages to insider-trade your way to a profit, just in time to use the ill-gotten money to lobby the Texas legislature to throw farmers off their land so you can have a place to build a big new baseball stadium with taxpayers' money and money you borrowed from your daddy, so you can make $20 million while claiming to be self-made...all so you could steal an election and run the country like your oil business.

you believe that Sweden is a communist country.

your I.Q goes up after you get a lobotomy.

you'd rather hug a smokestack than hug a tree.

you believe God is on your side.

you're so anal retentive, you were born potty trained!

you believe it was the Iraqi's and not the Saudi's who attacked us on 9/11

you think it was okay to allow that plane load of Saudi's out of the country just after 9/11

you think signing 152 death warrants is something Jesus would have done

you are dead set against socialism, but have no fear of the insanely bland,
cookie-cutter world being forced down your throat through corporate
ascendancy. (Walmart, Appleby's, AOL, and Fox News - what else would I
need)?

you can reconcile the fact that Iraqi schools are being rebuilt while our teachers are spending hundreds of dollars a year, from their own pockets, on basic school supplies.

you think Dick Cheney actually gives a damn about anyone else but himself and his cronies.

you consider members of NOW a bunch of uppity dykes but see Ann Coulter as the next coming of Mother Theresa.

you don't realize that Bob Jones University can be called ---- BJU

if you think the media is "liberal."

you got upset about the low payments families of 9/11 victims received, many under $1 million dollars, but think $8,000.00 is plenty for the survivors of vets who died in action in Dubya Storm.

you believe there is anything patriotic about the PATRIOT act.

you claim to be a Patriot but can't identify any constitutional amendments besides the first 2

you believe that if it's snowing in December; it must be Clinton's fault

[billy.pilgrim]

you believe in affirmative action for the privileged, but if it's for the poor or minorities, it's unfair

you think lil bush is the most eloquent president we've ever had

you think Al Gore is a radical

you think any protection of workers is the work of commies

you think that a repeat of those handy WWII internment camps will take care of all the terrorists (foreigners) before they even THINK of doing anything

you whine about welfare mothers but count on major subsidies, tax breaks, etc. for your own corporation and still refuse to pay any more than minimum wage

you just don't understand why "The Simpsons" is so popular.

you actually believe Jesus Christ would support capital gains tax cuts.

you believe that Pat Robertson is a good, honest man even though he prayed for the DEATH of three Supreme court judges...

you think WWII started in 1941

you desert your post in the armed services during a time of war but still think sending other people off to be killed in a foreign land is a pretty good idea.

you believe the federal government should stay out of states' rights -- unless
it can assist you in stealing an election.

your solution for everything are tax cuts

you think the fact that under Dubya's rule we now have fewer jobs, a shaky economy, and a multi-billion-dollar deficit--rather than the expanding economy, low unemployment and multi-billion-dollar surplus we had when Clinton left office--is still somehow Clinton's fault.

you really think creationism is a science, Darwin was the devil, and all those million-year-old fossils were put into the geologic substrate by a God with a warped sense of humor strictly to pinpoint the godless and make them easier to send to hell.

you'd rather build prisons than schools.

you think "children are our most precious gift" and then think it's ok to bomb the **** out of a country where 50% of the population is under the age of 15

you've never looked up the definition of 'liberal', but you know it's gotta have something to do with commies..

[billy.pilgrim]

you KNOW that god's on your side.

you love to tell everyone else what to do, as long as you can do what you want.

you believe that Dick Cheney "EARNS" $31million/year with absolutely no conflict of interest!

you believe "supporting our troops" means cheerleading the war in Iraq while turning a blind eye to lil bush's tax plan which will cut nearly 15 billion dollars in Revenue from the VA over a ten year period

you value your freedom of speech, but think that anyone else who disagrees with you should keep their mouths shut.

you still wonder about that Tinky-Winky Teletubbie character!

you wonder why we need all them artsy-fartsy artifacts from Iraqi museums, anyway.

you believe that Oliver North deserves the Medal of Honor for helping the Reagan administration circumvent U.S. law regarding aid to the Contras and giving weapons for hostages, when, in fact, he should be in the Army punishment barracks in Leavenworth, KS making big rocks into little ones for acts unbecoming an officer of the U.S. army.

you hold strong opinions of things you don't understand .

you think that Iran is an Arab country.

you think the fact that U.S. armed forces were ordered to secure the Iraqi oil ministry, oil fields, and refineries while they let the Iraqi central bank and museums chock full of irreplaceable antiquities and artifacts to be looted doesn't mean that this was a war for oil.

you feel that the Supreme Court upholding liberal legislation is improper judicial activism, but when the Supreme Court upholds right-wing legislation, it is just doing its job.

you firmly believe the N.R.A. bromide "If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.", but can't quite see how this also might apply to drugs.

you think you are defeating...rather than causing more terrorism and hatred all over this planet..

you listen to Rush Limbaugh in order to figure out what you're supposed to think.

you honestly think the U.S. defeated Nazi Germany virtually single-handed in World War II. (Ignoring the fact that 3/4 of the military might of the Wehrmacht was sent against the U.S.S.R. from the start of Operation Barbarossa until the end of the war.

the government subsidizing and financial assistance to the poor, disabled, and elderly is

[billy.pilgrim]

abhorrent to you, but having the government subsidize multi-million and billion dollar corporations is just fine with you!

believe that abortion is murder, but the bombing of children is collateral damage.

you ramble on and on about those who fought and died for our freedoms, then turn a blind eye to those who fought and lived.

you've done as you're told and completely forgotten about Bin Laden, whose capture we were promised by the President was supposed to be "our number one priority" ( quoted Sept 2001) now doesn't really matter and (according to the president again) that Bin Laden is "NOT a priority" (quoted January 2003).

you really think there's a link between Hussein and Bin Laden, when
Hussein has violently suppressed fundamentalism in Iraq for 20 years.

you think it makes sense that we spent 50 million dollars to discover
Clinton got a hummer from a groupie, but only 10 million to investigate how 19 terrorists hijacked 4 jet liners, destroyed the two largest buildings east of the Mississippi, and killed three thousand people in the most successful terrorist event in our nation's history.

you agree in principal that the U.S. should seek energy self sufficiency,
but you drive an SUV that gets 11 miles per gallon.

you believe in the sanctity of life from the moment of conception right up to the moment of birth.

you enjoy sending sons and daughters of the less fortunate into battle for your own personal political gain

your attention span shuts off after anything more than a 6-second soundbite.

a cushy Texas Air National Guard hideaway from the horrors of Vietnam is too much for your cocaine & whiskey saturated ass to handle, let alone be grateful for (unlike the thousands of un-connected Blacks & poor people who simply had to risk coming home in tiny little pieces in a bodybag)!

Clinton's pen*s is still of greater concern to you, than the number of dead iraqi children in this war

you are so dense that you can't see how legitimizing "pre-emptive" wars will be a disaster for global stability.

you ranted about Clinton being a draft dodger whenever he so much as ordered the National Guard down to McDonald's to get him a Big Mac, but when Dubya sends American troops to die in Iraq, you're not concerned that he went AWOL from the National Guard during vietnam

you think it was real wrong for Hillary Clinton to have private hearings to set up the Clinton health care plan, but are ok with VP Cheney continuing to refuse to let the American people know what went on when he met with oil/gas/energy execs in private to set up Dubya's energy policy.

you believe that if you have a right to a M-16 in your house to fend off
federal troops, but US army will only need a week or two to defeat a nation with Weapons of Mass Destruction.

you believe Reagan ended the Cold War.

you think the problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur.

you believe that your leaders talk to God

you believe the War on Drugs is winnable.

your "Leave No Child Behind" definitely does not apply to IRAQI children
who are going to be orphaned by you.

you really believe there is such a thing as "The Liberal Press".

you weighed Rush Limbaugh's opinion on the tax cuts vs the opinion of 400 economists including 10 Nobel Laureates...and came down on the side of Rush Limbaugh

you spread opinion-based falsehoods about concepts like global warming, genetic homosexuality, and evolution, but still constantly complain about American students' low scores on science tests.

you think the government's concern for human life should begin at
conception, but then end at birth.

you can't figure out why urban blacks still haven't "gotten it together" a
whole 35 years after the civil rights movement began.

you talk about "less government," but still want to pass laws governing
people's sexual, reproductive, marital, and end-of-life choices.

you think that the giant multinational corporations who own the media allow for a "liberal bias"

you think lil bush could give a speech without a teleprompter -

when you change something's name for a dumb reason because it offends you ("freedom
fries"?!) that's ok, but when someone else changes something's name for a real reason because it offends them ("stewardess" to "flight attendant," say), that's "political correctness," and therefore evil.

you moan about big government while Clinton is in office, but when government expands under Dubya...it's OK

you have first edition copies of Rush Limbaugh's books in the original German.

you think entertainers such as Barbara Streisand and Alec Baldwin should stay out of politics and that ex-entertainer Ronald Reagan made a fine Governor of California and President of the United States, yet see nothing hypocritical bout holding these two views.

you think it was morally wrong for Saddam to gas his own people but morally right for Bush to bomb them .

you have no idea why we are going to war but support it anyway!

you’re the first to call up a talk show to ferociously oppose Estate tax or any type of taxations on Billionaires. Just because you have a cell phone and hope to crack the seven-figure income any year now. But you make 24 grand a year and drive an 82 Escort.

you would be horrified to learn that Jesus was actually a long-haired, dark-skinned, peace-loving Jew

you believe Christianity is oppressed in America.

you believe atheists shouldn't be citizens.

you think religious freedom means Christian domination.

you'd rather screw the country than an intern.

you laughed at Pigboy Limbaugh and SNL for making fun of 13-year-old Chelsea Clinton, but seem to think that the Bush girls ought to be "left alone" despite criminal activity

you speak on behalf of God and decide who He likes and doesn't.

you want to spread American style democracy by OPPOSING the democratic election of Hugo Chavez and SUPPORTING the military coup against him.

you go to church to pray for peace on earth and goodwill toward men, while supporting the horrors of war against Iraq, and discrimination against gays.

you think that rainforest destruction doesn't effect you here in the United States.

you believe that the coal, oil, and nuclear industries will police themselves if the Clean Air and Clean Water Acts are weakened.

you believe that since Sept. 11, 2001, you must support the President no matter what.

you think ALL Christians vote Republican.

after voting against all civil rights legislation, you wonder why minorities don't vote republican.

you believe anything lil bush says, but think Clinton was a liar.

you understand why Timothy McVeigh hates the U. S. Government - but not why the Saudi's do.

you think that taxing the poor so as to relieve the tax burden of the rich
would be more fair.

you think it would have been unconstitutional to count the votes in Florida in 2000.

you believe national security is enhanced by violating due process.

you actually perceive that life under lil bush is better than under Clinton!

you stand to become a multi-billionaire off the spoils of war!

you think a two cell organism is a human being and is alive but are willing to send a living breathing soul to meet its maker.

you think Bill O'Reilly is a real journalist

you honestly think that Bush is great even if his policies cost you your job, your home, your savings and the life of your child in war, but at least he didn't get a b---j--.

you were convicted of multiple felonies under one Republican presidency, and hired by the next!

you freaked out about Waco and Ruby Ridge but think that everything the bush administration is doing is totally justified.

your definition of unpatriotic includes actually thinking for yourself.

if you think Rush Limbaugh is an expert on Viet Nam

if your dentist is more afraid of you than you are of him.

if you don't have a library card.

if you vote for a candidate who denigrates his opponents Vietnam Prisoner of War status.

[Stinger]

you're for tax cuts for the rich because you actually believe that one day you'll be rich.

I don't think they actually believe they'll get rich. It's just kind of a Stockholm syndrome reaction where the serfs vicariously get the thrill by cheering on the overlords.

[Crock Hunter]

where the serfs vicariously get the thrill by cheering on the overlords.

Indeed... only slightly tangential to "My God can beat up your God" .. .. .