da funnies

[billy.pilgrim]

"Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a...super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."

[O Really]

A scientist in Florida was working on extending the lifespan of dolphins. He had managed to get several of them to live way past their normal life expectancy, but unfortunately he ran out of their favorite food, seagulls. The closest place he could get some was Ft. Lauderdale, so he rounded up a truckload of them and took a shortcut back through Lion Safari. When a couple of lions blocked the road, he ran over them and proceeded, but was stopped by a cop. The cop told him he was in big trouble - much bigger than trespassing, much worse than speeding in the park - worse even than damage to the animals. He said "you're in violation of the Mann Act!" "The Mann Act? What do you mean?"

"You're transporting gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises."

http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Mann+Act

[billy.pilgrim]

A scientist in Florida was working on extending the lifespan of dolphins. He had managed to get several of them to live way past their normal life expectancy, but unfortunately he ran out of their favorite food, seagulls. The closest place he could get some was Ft. Lauderdale, so he rounded up a truckload of them and took a shortcut back through Lion Safari. When a couple of lions blocked the road, he ran over them and proceeded, but was stopped by a cop. The cop told him he was in big trouble - much bigger than trespassing, much worse than speeding in the park - worse even than damage to the animals. He said "you're in violation of the Mann Act!" "The Mann Act? What do you mean?"

"You're transporting gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises."

http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Mann+Act

heheheh

[billy.pilgrim]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of
Saran Wrap.



The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

[O Really]

Guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays, and orders the eggs benedict. His order comes a while later and it's served on a big shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"

The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

[billy.pilgrim]

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Ly-coming County


Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then: and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

[O Really]

The dam incident was in MI, not PA, and has been all around the dam internet from different locales, but apparently was dam true, more or less. Funny story.

[O Really]

The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park on a windy day. They were in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, didn't have a part at this point of the symphony, so they tied down their music stands and snuck out to the bar across the street.

After a few rounds, they knew their part was coming back up so they hurried back to their places. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation:

It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.

[Wneglia]

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when
the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his
wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure
it was just rain, he said".

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist
party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is
it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

[Stinger]

Dale Evans bought her husband, Roy Rogers, a brand new set of custom cowboy boots for his birthday. Roy wore them everywhere except the bathtub.

About a week after his birthday, Roy was on Trigger, patrolling his ranch. As he rode near a bluff, a mountain lion leaped down and attacked him. Trigger reared and Roy kicked at the cat as it tried to attack him. The cat had his claws buried in each of Roy's boots, and he sank his teeth into Roy's left foot.

Finally, Roy managed to free his right foot and drive the heel of his boot into the cat's nose, forcing the cat to let go. Trigger bolted, and they managed to get away.

Roy's new boots were ruined, and it took a week or so before he was on his feet. When he was well enough, Roy packed his rifle in a scabbard, attached it to his saddle, and rode of on Trigger. He rode back to the same spot to search for the mountain lion. After several hours searching, the cat found Roy. As he bounded to attack Roy and Trigger again, Roy fired and dropped the mountain lion.

Roy decided to take the mountain lion home. Trigger wasn't thrilled, but Roy managed to drape the cat's lifeless body across the saddle, and back to the ranch house they went.

As he rode up to the barn, Dale came riding up on Buttermilk and said, "Pardon me, Roy. Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?

[billy.pilgrim]

Hell Explained by a Chemistry Student
>
>
>The following is an actual question given on a University of
>Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
>"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
>Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
>enjoying it as well:
>
>Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
>(absorbs heat)?
>Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
>(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
>variant.
>
>One student, however, wrote the following:
>
>First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
>we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
>rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
>that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
>souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's
>look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most
>of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
>religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
>religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
>we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates
>as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
>exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
>Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
>and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
>expand proportionately as souls are added.
>
>This gives two possibilities:
>
>1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
>souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
>increase until all Hell breaks loose.
>
>2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
>in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
>freezes over.
>
>So which is it?
>
>If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
>year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
>and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night,
>then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
>exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory
>is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not
>accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only
>Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which
>explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!"
>
>THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

[billy.pilgrim]

The Giraffe Test




1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.





















The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.



2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?



















Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.







Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.







3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?















Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. Didn't you just put him in there? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.


















4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
















Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.















According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting
says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.








.
'

[billy.pilgrim]

> Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
>
> The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
> because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
>
> The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
> inside them is color coded."
>
> The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best;
> everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
>
> The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
> workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left
> over.
>
> But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
> wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no
> heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are
> interchangeable."

[billy.pilgrim]

reckon you can tell that I've been cleaning out old emails. some were pretty funny - all are emails and I would imagine that most that say they are true stories - are not true but are funny anyway.
Read on.

The following notices either appeared in a church bulletin, have actually been
announced in church services or made it into church notices...
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Lighthouse Baptist Church in Jupiter. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch
all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals."
3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
4. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again" giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring
your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
7. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to
a conflict.
8. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water". The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor's sermons.
11. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
13. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
14. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who
doesn't care much about you.
15. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
19. Eight new choir robes are needed due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.
21. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
22. The Baptist men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,
green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
23. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
24. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person(s) you want remembered.
25. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.
26. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment
and gracious hostility.
27. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM.--prayer and medication to follow.
28. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
29. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
30. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
31. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday morning.
32. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.
33. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
34. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at our church. Please use large
double door at the side entrance.
35. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
36. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

[billy.pilgrim]

>
> Welcome to the South...
> Issued by the Alabama Tourism Bureau to ALL
> visiting Northerners And Northeastern Urbanites:
>
> 1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at
> Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast
> 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If
> you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
>
> 2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie,
> Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy
> Joe, Sissy, etc.)These people have all been known to kick ass.
>
> 3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down
> here. Down here it's called Co cola. Nobody gives a flying
> damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever
> -it's still a Co cola. Accept it. Doing otherwise can
> lead to an ass kicking.
>
> 4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
> than you. We are also better educated and generally a
> lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies,
> or we'll kick your ass.
>
> 5) We have plenty of business sense Fred Smith of
> Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape.
> Naturally, we don't care if you think we are dumb. We
> can still kick your ass.
>
>
> 6) Don't laugh at our Civil War history. If Lee had
> listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg
> instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be
> paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
> don't like it we'll kick your ass.
>
>
> 7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so
> shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell
> out of here - or we'll kick your ass.
>
> 8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone
> will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your
> biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your
> grits, or we'll kick your ass.
>
> 9) Don't fake an Alabama accent. This will incite a riot,
> and you will get your ass kicked.
>
> 10) Don't talk about how much better things are at
> home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have
> visited Northern hell holes like Detroit, San Francisco,
> Chicago, Portland, Boston and Las Vegas, and we have the scars
> to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready
> when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.
>
> 11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk
> this way because we don't want to sound like ya'll. We
> don't care if you don't understand what we are saying.
> All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
> and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll
> kick your ass.
>
> 12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.
> Whine about OUR scenic beauty, or we'll kick your ass
> all the way back into Boston Harbor.
>
> 13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir"
> and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our
> seats to old folks because such things are expected of
> civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
> little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some
> manners into your ass just like they did ours.
>
> 14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most
> of us live in the countryside? That's because we have
> enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested
> cesspools like New York or San Jose. Make fun of our
> fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
>
> 15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down
> here trying to tell us how to cook Barbecue. This
> will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked).
> You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question
> our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box - minus
> your ass.

[billy.pilgrim]

if you haven't seen this - you gotta A Finnish rock band with a Red Army Choir singing "Sweet Home Alabama"...just when you think you've seen everything!




http://www.tothepointnews.com/content/view/3114/85/

[Stinger]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
...
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
...... After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,’ Mum how many kinds of 'willies' are there?

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.’

[rstrong]

When you get a transfusion in a Taiwanese hospital, you receive Taipei blood.

(If you're from the People's Republic of China though, it's Taipei negative)

[Stinger]

Greetings from the Sunshine State. It's weird down here.

http://now.msn.com/florida-weird-news-2 ... -in-review

The year's 20 weirdest stories from Florida, America's weirdest state
23 hrs ago
At the intersection of the absurd, the unbelievable, the SMH and the WTF you’ll find Florida. It might be the water, it might be the humidity, it might be the hurricanes or the constant threat of death by gator, but chances are, if you are reading about some really cray cray s**t, there is a strong likelihood it took place in Florida. Welcome to the Sunshine State, a place where fantastical things happen with clockwork regularity, and where weird is a way of life. Above are a selection of images that encapsulates the magical strangeness of 27th state, the best of the Year in Florida. You can read more via the links below, ranked in order of gallery appearance.

[billy.pilgrim]

Greetings from the Sunshine State. It's weird down here.

http://now.msn.com/florida-weird-news-2 ... -in-review

The year's 20 weirdest stories from Florida, America's weirdest state
23 hrs ago
At the intersection of the absurd, the unbelievable, the SMH and the WTF you’ll find Florida. It might be the water, it might be the humidity, it might be the hurricanes or the constant threat of death by gator, but chances are, if you are reading about some really cray cray s**t, there is a strong likelihood it took place in Florida. Welcome to the Sunshine State, a place where fantastical things happen with clockwork regularity, and where weird is a way of life. Above are a selection of images that encapsulates the magical strangeness of 27th state, the best of the Year in Florida. You can read more via the links below, ranked in order of gallery appearance.

and I live there




but I can't believe no one conmented on the Finnish rock band, or is it like way too yesterday?