Christmas List

[Vrede too]

Did you guys ever confuse Santa and Jesus when you were children?

No, Jesus was the white guy and Santa was the even whiter guy.

[Vrede too]

What about the quarter machine stuff? I was thinking a t. Rex ring, or maybe a plastic arrowhead pendant. Perhaps even the finest cubic zirconia from Walmart, then again I ain't trying to marry the girl yet so maybe another time.

I'm gonna become a Buddhist. With God in everything every gift is perfection.

[O Really]

Well if you're going to feed her bodega pizza and Bud Lite, you might as well go for something plastic. Or maybe a chi-chi-chi-chia. Or a singing trout, unless you think that would send the wrong message.

[Vrede too]

... Or maybe a chi-chi-chi-chia....

Chia Donald Trump Freedom of Choice Pottery Planter

[JTA]

You guys know what's messed up?

How does frosty the snowman smoke a damn corn cob pipe without melting? He's made of fucking snow!

[Vrede too]

It's really a bong with ice water, but the MPAA wanted to give it an R rating. You should see what the real reindeer story was before PETA got involved. Don't even get me started on Mrs. Claus before the hormones and surgery.

[Boatrocker]

Did you guys ever confuse Santa and Jesus when you were children?

My oldest granddaughter confused Santa and Moses; given the popular, accepted illustrations of each, that was hardly a reach. By the time she was 2 1/2, she knew her colors, so the red suit gave Santa away.

[Vrede too]

Let my people Ho Ho Ho!


Honor thy father and thy mother or Santa ain't coming.

Thou shalt not covet is pretty much contrary to everything Santa stands for.

[Boatrocker]

Let my people Ho Ho Ho!


Honor thy father and thy mother or Santa ain't coming.

Thou shalt not covet is pretty much contrary to everything Santa stands for.

[Vrede too]

Did you guys ever confuse Santa and Jesus when you were children?

No, Jesus was the white guy and Santa was the even whiter guy.

Racists Freak Out Over Black Santa At Mall Of America
...but most people absolutely love “Santa Larry.”

[JTA]

You guys have no idea how much I despise Christmas shopping. I can barely force myself to shop for myself.

Where is Mall of America's Black Santa when you need him?

[JTA]

The best list:

A piece of the hardest nipple
Cucumbers before they pickle
Grape Kool-aid, don't let it ripple
The tip of a Russian sickle
The smoke from a fired pistol
The yawn from a tired hippo
A vial of child's tears
A pile of mild ears
A 40
My wizardry is OD
Magic carpet sandwiched between a hoagie

Zeus's. Lightning Bolts.
Black Jesus's. Holy Ghost.
White Man's. Right to vote.
Gettin' Hot. Hold my coat.
Woop.
Two cups. Of Excalibur
Da whole Mayan. Calendar.
A Tablespoon of Swag swag swag

Press start here come a new challenger.

[Vrede too]

At least you're obviously into holiday baking.

Christmas Cake Recipe... hic!

CHRISTMAS CAKE Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the vodka to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.
Try another cup... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Who giveshz a shit.
Check the vodka.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the vodka and kiss the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

[O Really]

I think that cake can also be made with a good scotch. and one bourbon. and one beer.

[bannination]

I was gonna get a Trump mask to wear when we're...

...

...

Making America great again.

Damn, gotta clean off my screen after that.

Because I spewed coke perverts!

[Vrede too]

Things can always be worse, JTA.

Bah Humbark! Dispirited Dog Found by Washington Police in Christmas Sweater and Mismatching Pants



Let this serve as PSA that some pets don’t want to wear your dumb festive outfits, PERIOD.

The Bellevue Police Department recently found one of these animals roaming around a Washington park unattended. When the authorities found the dog he was sporting a Christmas sweater, a pair of blue pants and a bad attitude.

“Is this your dog? Caught by Officer at Robinswood Park. Was wearing a sweater and blue pants, and very angry,” the department Tweeted on Thursday, along with the above photo to prove the text is true.

According to UPI, police officials were able to safely catch the dog and put him in the care of Kings County Pets, which is working to find the canine’s original owners. If the dog’s pet parents are found, they may need to hear a few fashion tips before getting their pup back.

“Of course he’s angry. That sweater doesn’t match those pants at all!” the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office Tweeted in response to the Bellevue Police Department’s original photo.

If no one comes forward to claim this Scrooge-spirited dog, he will be put up for adoption sans outfit, which will probably let his sweet side shine through a little easier.

[Mr.B]

"Because I spewed coke perverts!"

What's a coke pervert? Someone addicted to coke?
(I'm being nice and not saying a word about your "spewing")

[JTA]

I'm gonna offshore my Christmas shopping this year. I'll pay some guy in India to shop for my family and friends so I don't have to do it.

[Mr.B]

"I'm gonna offshore my Christmas shopping this year. I'll pay some guy in India to shop for my family and friends so I don't have to do it."

That's easy ... amazon.com

[JTA]

"Fellas.
I know some of us have ladies. I also know some of us hate shopping so how about helping a brother out.
What are you buying for your ladies, mother, girlfriend, daughter, whatever.
Bonus question. Need some gift ideas for men too."

I'm assuming you mean girlfriend (lady) so I think I would be safe in saying that most women like jewelry; it doesn't have to be the Zales or Jared's variety, or, heaven forbid, the Dollar Store variety. Target, Walmart, Kmart and some of the smaller privately-owned jewelry stores have a decent selection at affordable prices. (shun Lowe's and Home Depot) When shopping for a GF, keep in mind that next Christmas, someone else could be wondering what to get her for a gift, (not being a smart-ass here, but the world is what it is) so keep your spending frugal, but not cheap.

Forget clothes, shoes, and handbags unless she's shopping with you; forget small appliances as well. A new phone case, maybe?

Good luck...I have no ideas for men; most are pickier than I am.

1) Perfume
2) Essential Oils (I dont even know wtf these are to be honest)
3) Grateful dead phone case (Thank you Mr. B)
4) Some Jewelry from the store.

WHAM BAM THANK YOU MAAM!